Bearing a gift beyond price...almost free

85 kg Clean as of Friday.

I burnt out this weekend, in October no less. I just couldn't bring myself to study. I sat there starring at the paper. I tried to imagine my life without school. I just couldn't picture it, it wouldn't register in my mind as a possibility.

In the words of Vanderburg, I suppose that school has become my 'sacred', the central myth in my life that can do no wrong. The very thought of life without it is impossible to comprehend. studying for that test on Friday I thought that concept was pretty far fetched, usually his stuff has some real basing, which I gather. But now today, I really get the 'sacred' concept. I'm living it.

I was just thinking about all my friends who will graduate. In my friend's dorm studying today, I watched as she scrambled to complete some NSF 487 paper, she did leave it for the last minute but that is another story. I digress, the weight that lifted from her heart and mind when she was reminded that in about 130 days, that's it for her. Well, the look of relief was indescribable. I felt like such a child in comparison, for me there is 2 years and those 130 days. Often my two years of seniority is painfully aware when I am in class, be in maturity or some life experience you only get with age. But I guess, I'm a child in the class of children. Best of the worst is still bad.

I will pray, I don't do it often. I need the strength.

I always asked myself if they took it all away would I still keep the courage?

It seems that the time has come, and I don't know. If not...then what? Have my friends eyes blurry saying goodbye at the cemetery?

I am so scared.

Second year sucks, it's like jerking off without the payoff. The best part of everyday you ask? When it's over.

All that anticipation and build up for nothing. I feel robbed.

Fluid mechanics? gay.
Ecology, basically everything I did in first year evolutionary bio and ecology. In so many words, gay.
Solid: hard as fuck
Construction: Undecided, but leaves me feeling stupid everyday.
Math: useless, like all math is in the real world. Gay

APS, actually interesting. I want to ask him so much about life, his views on stuff, maybe I should go see him in his office. Mainly I want to hear his political leanings for the municipal election.

Otherwise, started to slack at the gym...slack at school, it's like, I don't care if I do poorly. No drive. The only thing I do care about is my powerlifting, to which I set two P.B's last friday, culminating at 78 kg Clean.

At least I get something right. Well, working on it.