Since you been gone...

How I picture me with you...but since you've been gone, I can't breathe for the first time.

Rude and mean

"I think those two words sum you up pretty nicely."

Second star to the right...and straight on till morning

Oh to be young again.

Ahh, your voice is far away; Far, far away

It's not going to be found by running
It's not going to get there by screaming
This is the one thing that I understand

Take a photo, place it on your dashboard. Turn it around backwards so the windshield faces it. Every street light reveals a picture in reverse. It will still be clear.

The photograph reflects, every street light a reminder.

"The overlord will act as a retard magnet..."

I have been getting caught with my pants down the last few weeks of school. I keep consistently fucking up every evaluation I take.

To start, I write a very well thought out and researched paper on the subway system. I go the extra mile and include appendices and what not, 8.5/10. I write Alex's paper in 30 seconds, 9/10. What kinda bullshit is that?

Are the TAs retard magnets?

I bomb the economics test, just bomb it. I couldn't answer half the questions. It's over, I can't win. Then comes municipal, which I was ready for. BAM, left out a few crucial steps. Bullshit. I am now a convicted felon.

I gotta break the habit on steel this week.

If not for me, then who? Oh, I actually watched an episode of NCIS today, it has been so long.

You ever stop to wonder just where in the world is the woman you will spend your life with?

I do, I wonder what she is doing right now. Does she work? Does she go to school? What is she like?

A man could go crazy thinking about this kind of stuff.

How am I going to meet her? Where?

When...

I am the man with no name...Zap Brannigan at your service

I have just been feeling so down lately. I don't know what it is, I was really excited to get back to school. Now that I am here, it is a monotonous routine where they grind you down. But is that really the issue? No, I've dealt with it for years and succeeded. What it is this year is lack of companionship...

I don't think women like me very much. Can they sense something inside me? My anger, my volatility, my desperation.

Mr. Hammond, under careful consideration I have decided not to endorse your park.

So have I...

Next stop...Dentistry?

Tell me what's...Tell me what's your favorite colour

Here is to you Chatmonchy.

Since the last I wrote so much has happened, so so much. Perhaps the Cole's notes version would be best:

Chatmonchy, definitely one of my favorite bands of all time has lost its drummer and is effectively disbanded as far as I can see. Cliche as it sounds, you really never know what you have have until it is gone. I know play through the four studio albums and assorted singles in existence and think to myself, 'this is it'. There will never be a new song out of them. There will never be a new album. I never got the chance to see them live, I never will. From now till I don't know, all I will have are MP3s and Youtube videos of live performances.

I just returned from two weeks out in the suck. Working like a dog for little to nothing. Getting tanned like a farmer, and missing the life of luxury of which I am accustomed to. My view on the issue? Good, these little forays into the wild really make me appreciate the things I take for granted. They include the beautiful city skyline at night, the internet, food at my whim, exercise and it's associated relative-the gym.

Back to work tomorrow, making money and the daily grind. My plan? Ask the girl in the hospital out, yay or nay, I will do it. Courage. My word.

I'm so fly...

Never go to London during the summer.

I want to move out...

If you know a way out, then I'd like to go with you

I haven’t written here in some time. Mostly my posts have degenerated into an image or just some song lyrics/poetic crap. I have been meaning to really reflect on the last 2 years of school, but I don’t know what to say? It’s just all so blurry. I think to reflect on a lot of those two years would be really really hard. I’d probably stumble and crawl through the act of recollection.

I am going to London Ontario this weekend, I haven’t ever been there before as far as I recall. Going to be visiting Western Ontario with a lady friend of mine. It is where she lives during the school year, surprise surprise she attends UWO.

It is pretty early in our friendship to be really taking a trip like this, but whatever, see how it goes. In many ways I try to be a “Why not?” guy these days. Live many lifetimes-or at least it feels as such-as a “Why?” guy. Some change right? Right.

Still waiting to hear about my medical exam for the army. Longest wait of my life.

Shouting, Telephone, Pouring Rain

Another gem
Before the phonecall and the shouting
There's the sound of the pouring rain
It's falling right on you
Like "not this, too?"

Before the phonecall and the shouting
There's the sound of a comedy on TV
It's blaring right at me
Like "not this, too?"

Ah, goodbye, ah
Now I get it somehow
But I can't even say it now
Ah, goodbye, ah
Now everything's over
But I just keep apologizing

The contrast between the past and now
Is important to me
I didn't want it to change
But this is now
Our last fight
It really doesn't matter
The reason I don't leave things vague
Is all for you

Ah, goodbye, ah
I'm looking over there
Can you see that?
Ah, goodbye, ah
I don't mean to lie
But I just keep crying

Ah, goodbye, ah
Goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye to you
Now everything's over
But I just keep crying

Just a few years later

Apparently the cafeteria we always went to at the bottom of the hill
Is going to graduate with us
It's only now I've realized
That these ordinary days are really something to remember
It's only now I've realized

What I really wanted to know on the day before graduation
Wasn't the reason for the Earth's rotation
Or about Pavlov's dog
But if it was really going to end like this
We were the only ones
Sitting in the deserted classroom
It made me laugh a little
The sky was a nice sunset-color
With a vapor trail across it

I guess someday I'll be able to laugh
At how young I was back then
Like the sun sinking into the horizon
It's time to say farewell to our youth

Farewell, my youth

I insisted
I didn't need the memories
But I can never beat the past
I loved those times
And I love to look back and laugh about them

All alone in the pitch dark
The pink wind and the faint purple scent
On the piano in the music room
When I grow up
I'll be able to drink as much as I want
But will I lose the ability to fly ?

Goodbye

The sweat-drenched field
And the long tone of the trumpet
I don't think I can say "goodbye"

Apparently the cafeteria we always went to at the bottom of the hill
Is going to graduate with us
It's only now I've realized
That these ordinary days are really something to remember
It's only now I've realized

I get it...all the time

I know that it's bad
That it's the kind that they can't operate on
And I know it's real slow, honey
Painful and real slow
Styrofoam coffee cups
And bagged drugs that never work enough
And I know its real slow, honey
Painful and real slow

When we were young
And hit like hammers
I'd write the nails in your hands
But when 99% of us is failure
There's no going back

And I know its real slow, honey
Painful and real slow
Blackbird come the break of dawn
The TV's on, I turn it off
Walk outside, get in the car
Stare at the wheel then fall apart

I get it all the time
Bright eyes to bat and hide behind
But I know they're just for show, honey
Painful and just for show
Black rooms to babysit
White halls to pace and wait for it
And I know it's too slow, honey
Painful and real slow

When we were young
And hit like hammers
I'd write the nails in your hands
When 99% of us is failure
There's no coming back

And I know its real slow, honey
Painful and real slow

Blackbird come the break of day
You swallow the shit that people say
Walk outside look at the sky
Ask it to fall or tell you why

Single life sucks

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

Single life...again

SC2 streams fill my life now.

All is right in the world.

I can't figure out what's going on
with eyes that see black and white
I tried to do my best
there is nothing I can do for you.

Back then...
something gave me excitement
gave me satisfaction
Do I really know myself?

Don't go anywhere
please don't go anywhere

I would like to return there
why is it so heavy now?
back then I..
like yesterday, couldn't think anymore
don't go back
please don't go anymore

I know I can't walk with my eyes closed
alone... eyes closed
I know I can't always go towards the sky
alone... under the sky

Like always, I hurt you with my words
I politely asked..
what I can reach now...
Don't go anywhere anymore
please don't go anymore
let's not walk any further
please don't go anymore
Don't walk more than me
let's not walk any further
I can't walk any further

How come I always have to initiate conversations with people?

Why is it that the people I believe SHOULD want to speak with me, never take that first step.

Explain this

Thinking of winter
Your name is the splinter inside me
While I wait
And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you

Getting my ass handed to me at work, I make a thousand mistakes, some small, most big. I think it is too early to pass my judgement on the engineering field as of yet.

I just realized, this blog is now about two years old. Half way through my engineering education. I will have to make a post sometime soon to sum up some things I have learned, both about myself and life i.e. not much.

Vacation

Vacation
All I ever wanted
Vacation
Had to get away
Vacation
Meant to be spent alone

Started new job. Everyone is a guy, I wake up at 5:00AM, I work in an office. Nothing I learned in school is ANY GOOD except for maybe terminology, e.g. caisson wall.

As of tomorrow I will begin designing my first piece of engineering work. Enwave provides heating and cooling solutions for the current Women's college hospital and will do so for the new one I am working on. Two pipes, one 10 inches in diameter and one 5 will run into the building. The former will carry condensed steam and cold water, the latter will carry only cold water.

The large pipe will contract and expand due to the fact that cold water and hot steam will run through it at various times. I am required to design the sleeve through which this pipe of variable diameter and shape will pass. The pipe also curves through this sleeve further adding to the confusion. Oh and of course, none of the drawings are to scale. Of course.

A structural engineer will sign off on my work if it's good to go. Fingers crossed.

There goes my hero.
Watch as he goes.
There goes my hero.
He's ordinary

Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Glide me towards...
You know something's left
And we're all allowed
To dream of the next
Oh, ohh the next, time we touch...

You don't have to stray
Two oceans away
Waves roll in my thoughts
Hold tight the ring...
The sea will rise...
Please stand by the shore...
Oh, oh, oh, I will be...
I will be there once more...

Learning skills for the youth of tomorrow, how to field strip an AK-47

Fucking women man...women. Cannot stand them.

Days go by.

Wisdom teeth out on Thursday, I don't think they will put me to sleep, kinda wish they would, maybe wouldn't have to wake up.

Trying to join the Reserves, getting red tapped by the government, I really need that structure in my life. I need something. A library and a gym can't contain me.

Exams.

Seeing people you used to know in high school and noticing how they are attractive now. Hate that.

By the rivers of Babylon,
Where he sat down,
And there he wept
When he remembered Zion.
Oh, the wicked carried us away in captivity,
Required from us a song,
How can we sing King Alpha's song
Inna strange land?
So, let the words of our mouth
And the meditations of our heart
Be acceptable in Thy sight.
Oh, verai!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB6K7EUsuSM&feature=related

Lay me down in concrete fields

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mSmOcmk7uQ

Well I am alive after the 3 exam fuck fest, marks aside.

Borrowed time, it feels like that a lot more often than not these days. What am I going to do in April? She gets on that plane home and I am left here to pick up the pieces of what is left. What an idiot David was, fell for someone where there was no real future.

I get teary just thinking about that day. I don't think I will ever hate Pearson airport more than that day. Hold my breathe.

Almost done my fourth year, I'm tired. Two more years of this. Sure, I have no one to blame but myself and ya, I don't envy the stress that comes with the real world. But man, do I hate this place or what?

Lastly, rank 5 of my class. Consider the spread between me and rank 1, which is about 1%, less if memory serves. I will make a bold statement here:

"Had I not become ill, I would have been rank 1."

The countless doctor visits, the hospital trips, the stress, the days when nausea left me crippled or unable to eat.

But I have nothing to be ashamed of, in my heart, the heart of a Lion I will always know I gave it my all, and will always be able to hold my head up high.

Would rank 1 have made me happy?

Not a chance.

Lightning Crashes

Three exams the next few days, one Tuesday and two Wednesday, should be a real Clark.

I have started watching Scrubs from season 1 episode 1. Oh my God, the show is HILARIOUS, shame on me for not watching this earlier. It is a nice reprieve from what is otherwise an endless grind. This semester worse than any other I have experienced. Everything is an uphill battle, it's just...I dunno, I really pushed it hard first semester, pushed it real hard. Then I got sick...and that didn't help anything, still am sick for the record. Sick my whole "break" so it really didn't turn out to be much of a break, and then back into the shit. Head first.

The other day it all really came to a head. I just broke down and started crying in front of my friend. A grown man crying in front of another. That's just what happens when you burn the candle at both ends.

As for this week...keep pressing, keep your head up, and keep on keeping on. I am reminded of the great works of heroes such as Goku. I guess I need my own Kaioken attack.

Give blood. Play hockey.

I live in a world in which structures analyze themselves.The grey rain-curtain rolls back, and all change to silver glass. Then you see it. White shores... and beyond. The far green country under a swift sunrise.

Then I woke up.

Just love

So, I may have liver disease. After everything, brought down by a microbial organism. Fitting perhaps? Again, speculation, but the specialist today reviewed my chart and was pretty sure of himself.

Where could I have gotten in, since he likely suspects an infectious route of origin. Typical. Again, this is all speculation and there is no need to start my funeral pyre preparations. let us recall the last two months of hypothesis, test, negative conclusion.

But in all honesty, this is how I want to go, if it happens:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWb7l--w5yY

Breaking Bad

Just finished the last episode of the most recent season. Probably perfect timing too, considering I figure school will get intense from here onward. But alas, I just found out the next season won't be airing until July of this year. So much for that...what a break. God damn cliff hanger endings.

So I have been taking this new natural medicine for my stomach and associated pains. Enteric coated peppermint oil. I have to say, the difference is like night and day. I am not cured and it does nothing for my more-often-than-not crippling nausea. But I will do anything to feel a little better. Anything.

You know when you get up to get something, then forget what you were looking for? Hate that. Just happened to me and my Ipod.

Lately I have been listening to more Cold Play, hey I know what you are thinking. Is David gay? Maybe.

Here we go again

Open hearted

Hold onto the thread
The currents will shift
Guide me towards you
Know something's left
And we're all allowed to dream
Of the next time we touch...

You don't have to stray
The oceans away
Waves roll in my thoughts
Hold tight the ring...
The sea will rise...
Please stand by the shore...
I will be...
I will be...
There once more...

I get sicker, school gets closer. The sea certainly will rise. I suppose I will be there once more.

I was out with this girl last night and she commented on admiring my intelligence and success in school. Not one to blow my own horn, but she did say that. Of course she asked how I did it combined with all my gym time, and of course I answered with the same rhetoric about plenty of sleep, exercise and paying attention in class. All crap. What I didn't say-strictly because I will look like a loser-is that when something consumes your entire life, you better be damn good at it. Truth.

My point for bringing this up? Well, I always wanted to do well in school to have options for the future. Job prospects, grad school, further professional education, whatever. Getting sick as of late has really shaken the pillars of my Earth. I asked myself if the youth-GPA trade off has been worth it, and my answer?

Yes. Every minute of it.

I am very good at what I do, sometimes even the best in the class. I love to win. I hate losing. I enjoy the feeling of people admiring something about me. Selfish? Who gives a fuck.