And it feels, and it feels

...like Heaven is so far away

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. More of the endless grind, you just can't win. A useless Management tutorial where you slave away on some crap you will never use in life. The endlessness of Fluid, talking about some crap in pipes. Then to the gym. Only to get there and keep checking over my shoulder at the clock. Why? Because I have to go home and study for math, a bunch of crap I will never use because I will never ever be a researcher. Let alone the fact that any research would hire a stats guy for numerical analysis.

Did not do a thing today. Got up, watched a bunch of "Say yes to the dress" chilled, went to grandparents, rode my bike. This day, can't be taken back.


Future is above, but in the past...slow and sinking

Bearing a gift beyond price...almost free

85 kg Clean as of Friday.

I burnt out this weekend, in October no less. I just couldn't bring myself to study. I sat there starring at the paper. I tried to imagine my life without school. I just couldn't picture it, it wouldn't register in my mind as a possibility.

In the words of Vanderburg, I suppose that school has become my 'sacred', the central myth in my life that can do no wrong. The very thought of life without it is impossible to comprehend. studying for that test on Friday I thought that concept was pretty far fetched, usually his stuff has some real basing, which I gather. But now today, I really get the 'sacred' concept. I'm living it.

I was just thinking about all my friends who will graduate. In my friend's dorm studying today, I watched as she scrambled to complete some NSF 487 paper, she did leave it for the last minute but that is another story. I digress, the weight that lifted from her heart and mind when she was reminded that in about 130 days, that's it for her. Well, the look of relief was indescribable. I felt like such a child in comparison, for me there is 2 years and those 130 days. Often my two years of seniority is painfully aware when I am in class, be in maturity or some life experience you only get with age. But I guess, I'm a child in the class of children. Best of the worst is still bad.

I will pray, I don't do it often. I need the strength.

I always asked myself if they took it all away would I still keep the courage?

It seems that the time has come, and I don't know. If not...then what? Have my friends eyes blurry saying goodbye at the cemetery?

I am so scared.

Second year sucks, it's like jerking off without the payoff. The best part of everyday you ask? When it's over.

All that anticipation and build up for nothing. I feel robbed.

Fluid mechanics? gay.
Ecology, basically everything I did in first year evolutionary bio and ecology. In so many words, gay.
Solid: hard as fuck
Construction: Undecided, but leaves me feeling stupid everyday.
Math: useless, like all math is in the real world. Gay

APS, actually interesting. I want to ask him so much about life, his views on stuff, maybe I should go see him in his office. Mainly I want to hear his political leanings for the municipal election.

Otherwise, started to slack at the gym...slack at school, it's like, I don't care if I do poorly. No drive. The only thing I do care about is my powerlifting, to which I set two P.B's last friday, culminating at 78 kg Clean.

At least I get something right. Well, working on it.

I am without resolve

The whole summer, I had my game face on ready to get back to school. Now it's here, and has been here for a few weeks. My burning desire to be the best or at least one of them is gone, I really don't feel like doing really well like I normally do.

No desire to over achieve. 70s would probably be fine anyways right?

I am without urges

Uneventful day...

I don't get women, "oh David, you never include me in your life, I don't feel like I am a part of it" what kinda crap is that? Selfish. I don't want to sacrifice time out of my day to come and see you when I could be chillin, sleepinn, gymin, eatin, studyin or doin nothin.

I don't like women very much. Well maybe I just like my routine a lot more, probably closer to the truth. I can't help but believe in me.

Nice guys finish last

I am 100% up to date with all work as of day one.

Feels good.

The only thing I haven't done is buy some of the textbooks. With regard to that I have decided to only buy one, fluid mechanics. I printed Solid, and will share the rest or not get them.

Austerity is my middle name. That or I am cheap, the former sounds alot more professional. If spending money on stuff that I really don't want, i.e. textbooks was a female, well...she wouldn't be my type.